“The Arab Killer Breaks Loose”

There was nothing that crazy about the nickname; Americans are a practical, simple, right-to-the-point kind of people: And quite simply, practically, that’s what it was good at. Well, of course, planes are, first and foremost, good at flying, but this one was particularly well suited for killing Arabs. It was untraceable on radar, could effectively dodge either a bullet or a missile–while it’s own projectiles were effectively unstoppable, and so precise that, according to one Army pilot, they could take out a towelhead without disrupting a hair on his goat’s ass (his words, not mine). This was the fear of God, or Allah, or whatever.

So why was it flying over New York last week?

By the time it reached the tip of the Empire State Building, the media was there, and so were their cameras, and so were their military experts; everyone had an opinion: “it’s just a test” or “It’s a military coup” or “maybe some American Arabs need killing”. One expert, however, was silent–a disaster preparedness man. Eventually, though, he had to speak up and told the millions watching that there was “nothing
to
be done,
just pray, just pray” “nothing to be done, just pray, just pray”.

When the plane reached Appalachia, the Government had to admit that this was not a test nor had the military taken control, but, far worse, it had absolutely no idea why this killing machine was flying around and who was flying it. Our Air Force was tracking it, but this plane was built to be untrackable and none of the Generals were very confident in there abilities to stop it. The citizens of Appalachia, always a religious bunch, took the expert’s advice and they prayed, and they prayed, and they prayed.

It crossed the Potomac and headed into Washington in the late afternoon. The President had been evacuated and the Congress was in a bunker, but no one really noticed their absence. A Whitehouse janitor, because he was the only one left, gave a press conference and told the nation to “remain calm”. We didn’t. But Lincoln did. Just like in life, his stone statue on the other side of the mall remained perfectly calm and ready for any fiery trial, but the plane, loaded to the teeth with weapons, passed over him and kept going.

The United States had become the world’s largest Anarchy by the time the killer aircraft reached the Midwest. News reporters had lost their smiles and sweated out all the gel from their hair. Workers had deserted their stations and power had gone out all over the northeast corridor. Their were rumors on the Internet and television that the South had declared a new confederacy, but then immediately capitulated when they heard–erroneously–that the plane was coming there way. As the AK passed over all those farms, the people in small towns were gathering their rifles for one last stand, one last hurrah, to go out fighting and die saving America. Though, they all knew their bullets were useless against the coming apocalypse.

And when it was seen in California that night, the citizens of San Francisco and Los Angeles had gathered around in cafes and drank coffee laced with whiskey (or worse) and discussed the end of the world, talked about God, and Sartre, and Hare Krishna, and Kabbalah. And they blamed Bush and the neocons and the bankers and Bilderberg and if Obama had only started yesterday and so on.They talked long into the night and until the sun came up, when they finally realized that they were still alive.

And the plane landed in a empty field near the border of Washington State. The Army found it empty, pristine, and not tampered with (not that you really could). There was not one clue as to who was flying it or how it got out unnoticed. And the President came back and said “everything is fine” and that it probably had some computer controls in it that temporarily went berserk and flew it across the country. And it was headed back to the middle-east before noon, to do what it was good at. That’s the end of this story, really.

No, wait, I guess not. So long as they believe that stupid auto-pilot theory, then it’s okay for me to admit this: It was me. But I was just having a little fun and didn’t mean to scare anyone. If it was that dangerous why’d they leave the keys out? But let’s keep this part between us….